If you’re anything like me, new year’s is a terrible time. Everybody’s on the diet train, the gym craze, the ‘let’s get our lives and houses organized and then finally we’ll be happy’ fad. In case you can’t tell, I hate resolutions. As someone who struggles with a mental illness, new year’s is the easiest time of year for that little voice of bad things in your head to gain a foothold. Look at all those people who are so much better than you. They actually go to the gym, they do more than check out books about organization from the library and stare wistfully at the clean spaces. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you do that?
The sad reality of my life, is that yes, I’d love to lose those pounds I’ve been trying to lose for four years, god yes I’d love to have a clean and organized living space, but no amount of resolving that I’m gonna make that happen will make it happen for me. Getting out of bed every day is a struggle. The prospect of tackling a trip to the gym in addition to the schoolwork I have to do on any given day after I’ve put in 8 plus hours on the clock is just insurmountable. Clean for twenty minutes after you just got home and all you want to do is eat and then fall over? TOO MANY SPOONS.
Of course, that never stops me from resolving. I have a lovely gym membership I pay for that I use maybe three times in any given year, and the rest of the time I stare guiltily at it anytime I open my wallet and think maybe tomorrow I’ll have the energy. Do I have the energy tomorrow? Highly unlikely.
I am well experienced in the process of moving things around in a vague motion of trying to clean but getting quickly overwhelmed and slinking away in defeat. Some days, even gathering clothes to do a load of laundry is ridiculously difficult and the only thing that makes it happen is the fact that if I don’t do laundry, tomorrow I have to go to work naked. Not really obviously, but you can only wear the same clothes so many times before perfume isn’t gonna cut it and I never want to find out where that line is.
So yes, I do have lines. Places that, even in the face of my disorder, I won’t let myself go. For some people, this is the sign that I can really do anything if I just wanted to hard enough. Much as I wish the world worked like the magic in halloween town (Magic is really very simple, all you’ve got to do is want something and then let yourself have it.) it just doesn’t. No matter how badly I want something, some days the hurdles are just too much. I can counteract this a little with friends. For example: I’m far more likely to go the gym if I have a buddy to go with. If I got to the gym by myself I spend half the time I’m there worrying about how I don’t know what to do except for the elliptical, and then after I’ve done my time on the elliptical, stare at all the equipment until I get embarrassed and leave. ElodieUnderGlass wrote a lovely piece awhile ago over at CaptainAwkward about Breaking the Low Mood Cycle and I’m currently doing what I can in regard to that.
New year, New me has never ever worked for me, but new year, slightly improved me might be. I’m focusing on what I want in order to be happy instead of the things that I feel I should want. Best wishes in the new year guys! What are some of your projects this year?